Parenting

a child with special needs.

I will start by saying that we have not had Cam officially diagnosed yet, but many of the signs and red flags are there.  I have talked to several knowledgeable professionals and the general consensus is that there are enough flags to move forward with the evaluation and diagnosis.

Cam probably has a form of high functioning Autism.

I have not said that definitively, to anyone outside of our immediate family and our team of doctors and therapists that she has been seeing since she was a baby.

Today, Scoot dropped off the "book" of paperwork to be initially review by the specialists at the Autism clinic. We will not wait anxiously for them to call us for the first round of assessments and evaluations.

While on one hand I am convinced that this is the answer we have been looking for to help explain the behaviors we have been dealing with for 3 years now. I am relieved that finally we may have an answer to give to the people who give us nasty looks at the grocery store when we are sitting on the floor of the frozen foods section her in complete melt down, me holding her with my arms and legs around her body preventing her from kicking and hitting or running off. While she spits on me and tries to bite me all while screaming at the top of her lungs, and I am at the end of my rope desperately clinging trying to hold onto control and not cry. I wish we could melt into the tiles as people walk by and give me the "you're a terrible parent" look, or "just spank her, she'll stop" looks. The thing is, spanking her will only make the tantrum worse. When she gets like this she is beyond reason.

On the other hand I worry that they will come back and tell me that she does not have a form of Autism and that we will be back at square one. Her current occupational therapy regimen is not meeting all of her needs.

I wish that I didn't have to buy a lock for my fridge to keep her from eating a whole 2 pound block of cheese in one sitting (cheese makes her very constipated and that is not fun to fix). I wish I didn't have to paddle lock the downstairs bathroom to keep her from destroying it with feces and urine. I wish I didn't have to lock her in her bedroom. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to sleep for fear that she would get out and destroy the house or wander out the front door. I wish her sisters enjoyed playing with her. I am thankful that most days she doesn't mind playing alone all day. I wish I didn't have to hold her ears when she goes potty in public restrooms. I wish we didn't have to spend a ton of time each week at therapy, instead of enjoying family things. I wish we could go out into the community and do things without fear of her melting.

I confess that even though life is really hard and frustrating at times, I adore her. I am scared about what her future holds. Will she do well in school? Will she have a career, family, friends? Or will she be alone and on the verge of meltdown...